another bloody skyrim self insert
by jdboss1
Summary: nobody would have suspected it especially Myself waking up surrounded by storm cloaks being led to an execution WTF no running water no indoor toilets and what's this crap about a stupid civil war just where did I find myself this time ( a semi-humorous self insert)


Disclaimer:

I have clocked up a Over 1900 hours on skyrim on steam.

my steam username is "jdboss"

Even though I haven't done everything I think I'm pretty much an expert when it comes to the game law even if I do not know every goddamn quest in detail the wiki does and that's good enough

I don't own anything related to skyrim universe not even any mods sad face

disclaimer over

story name:

"another bloody skyrim self insert "

summary: nobody would have suspected it especially Myself waking up surrounded by storm cloaks being led to an execution WTF no running water no indoor toilets

and what's this crap about a stupid civil war just where did I find myself this time

( a semi-humorous self insert)

chapter 1

Prologue

I the self-proclaimed Lord James was experiencing another one of my magnificent day of high-class Western 21st century living went to bed and then.

...

...

.

I suddenly was jerked awake my head was spinning and I felt pretty nauseous.

it was quickly obvious where I was. didn't take a genius to tell you I was on a wagon in skyrim presumably in the spot the Dragon born would have sat at the beginning of the game.

Looking around you could see the real-life depictions of the poorly graphic animated skyrim characters. Yes I will admit I bloody love the game but suddenly it felt 1 million times more real the cold winds the smells the fatigue and every goddamn bump in the wagon like they've never heard of suspensions.

Many Would rightfully say I was given the chance of a lifetime but seriously I felt pretty conned for one simple reason I was still in my body my weak pathetic small tiny body that probably couldn't level and would die to the first arrow to the knee. I was bloody petrified I could list off without stopping a few hundred different things that could easily smite me without much effort.

while I was trying to self motivate myself by all of the grand and magnificent things I could do while avoiding being slighted by the smallest of threats.

I easily drowned out the sounds of the companions on the wagon while time to daydream.

suddenly the world just flickered and froze my movement suddenly became a lot slower and a brilliant powerful voice came from all directions with no determined accent as though 1 million people were speaking in unison

it proclaimed.

"HAHAHAHahahahahaHAHAH"

"I a random omnipotent being ROB have dropped you in the realm of skyrim in the place of the Dragon born there is no way out there is no return death is permanent and you're here for my amusement and nothing more.

Play nice with your new playmates and keep in mind the record of being crowned Emperor is 11 months and 12 days. You're the only person dropped into this reality the rest was in alternate universes"

before you get any bright ideas there's none of them silly game mechanics no easy to exploit levelling shortcuts".

and another round of hysterical laughter and before I could call back reality snapped back into place.

I have never believed in God's or any other superstitious nonsense and I would still do so even after all of this they must be a logical reason but the one thing that I did know down to my very bones was

even a level 10,000 Dragon born was like an ant compared to it.

and then it really dawned on me I better learn to take up hiking walking and running really quickly before I become a chew toy.

I always knew the game took shortcuts or otherwise the developers would have needed to have taken a couple of hundred years of programming and supercomputer to run it so yes realistically the towns would have to have thousands of people in and the countryside would have to be way bigger I realise this subconsciously only ever really dawned on me when the damned trip on the shitty wagon took hours to get there.

I had plenty of time to consider my options.

The most important one of all was how incompetent the imperials was. For a start we wasn't tied together or tied to the wagon just our hands were tied and all but one Imperial soldier was guarding the rear.

this became my greatest decision ever. But then in the end it came down to 2 simple things because I have already played the game and as long as it reasonably is similar I should be able to survive the execution and then the burning town but if I did not play the game and just found myself here I would have already jumped out of the cat and sprinted it into the forest and try and find a cave or something to hide in.

A sensible person would state leg it you gonna die anyway if you sit there in particularly have much to lose and yes I would have loved to have taken that choice it was so hard to physically prevent myself running away the problem came down to this.

I reckon that there was a greater chance of being caught by the guards or dying in the wilderness from starvation or cold and monster bites. verse the known and quantifiable hope of being saved when the Dragon turns up.

I strongly pondered soon as the Dragon arrives and I'm free to wander around the town I should be able to climb over the outer walls and run into the wilderness or hide in the town safely somewhere Intel the Dragon goes away and then see how much loot I can carry to Riverwood. Verse following the game again and joining that Imperial chap the blacksmiths cousin and having him mainly dispatch evil stormcloaks while I'll collect their loot but mainly get hold of the enchanted Robes in the torturers cage.

it would seriously change everything if I suddenly could use magic it actually might make this whole experience worth it.

it wasn't like my race was changed or anything that was actually obvious just me in my normal body would be the greatest of irony if I couldn't access magic.

whenever I played the game I always chose Breton as I loved playing a magic user without the stigma of the high elves but if I could choose I would be a high Elf put up with the stigma and live 1000 years

before being forced to become a vampire for the next 10,000.

so if I did have magic I did not know the slightest on how to access it and hopefully that enchanted outfit might allow me to detect if I have any even if I reverse the the dungeons and climb over the wall instead of fighting to the death of a dozen people with the Imperial chap.

But then the influence I would have over the blacksmith start off to a brilliant relationship more favourable trading deals a place to stay and hopefully he could even lend me a ladder and if I managed to give some brilliant story to the Imperial guy he could become a minion verse climbing over the wall and legging it.

Climbing over the wall simply short-term goal could I make it the town without a animal killing or at least seriously hurting me but then I could probably have more time to collect more and use one of them wheelbarrows to carry it all even spent a whole day here that probably at least 3000 gold coins worth stuff around the town's not like I can use his carriage on to move it as the Dragon disappointingly destroyed all the carriages in the town. and as much as I would hate to follow the game play it seemed to be the most long-term solution

but the one thing I definitely was going to do was drag out the execution without making myself a target like the horse thief.

so with my mind made up I set to work

I tried to whisper to the horse thief and he whispered back I said how we could both run and to run diagonal has they will have archersto go and hide behind the buildings.

He actually likes the plan obviously I wasn't going to run but he didn't need to know.

and then we arrived.

To actually witness a fully working mediaeval town was more than eye-catching especially when they sealed the gates behind us. But I mustn't forget I'm the prisoner here not the general or any of the imperials but the prisoner and that I better be on my toes for the hereby future I can worry about sightseeing once I'm the Emperor.

taking a good look at the ugly blonde headed gagged man in the carriage demonstrated how correct I was every time I played skyrim his team of losers looked ridiculous I tried my hardest not to laugh in his face knowing eventually I might need his support and I wasn't going to cut any of my bridges at this stage.

but eventually he will pay for his crimes If I actually become powerful not killed by the first Wolf await I meant bunny rabbit this is skyrim after all bloodied dangerous.

whenever I played the game I could never understood how people would just line up and go along with their executioners why wouldn't they fight to the very end it wasn't like the Empire was threatening to massacre their families if they didn't go along with the execution and to actually witness the stupidity of the Nords lineup be processed like cattle couldn't help sympathise with the elves these people deserved to be conquered for their own good .

the desire to duck under the wagon or hide under the one courage or sneak behind the nearby building when everybody was distracted by horse thief antics.

and then it was my turn to approach and be interrogated Wanted nothing more than two give some believing human sounding grand long name but then I managed to shake some sense into me at the last moment

"What's your name prisoner" said the failed blacksmith who could only get a job wielding swords for a bunch of failed Romans.

sniff " I I.." sniff taking a big gulp "since when.. Did the Empire sentence slaves for the crimes of their masters" sniff

"what do you mean prisoner"

" when I was studying in the college of whispers that law was quite clear a captured slave should be helped not persecuted"

I was when travelling to the college of winter hold was captured from the Imperial city they have kept me as their slave.

Smack

"silence prisoner" said the black female Capt

eventually the captain had none of it and didn't care if I was a slave for the fucking Emperor himself she wanted me dead but I wasn't over upset I definitely was pissed and she was definitely going to pay and the Empire certainly was going to pay daily. Mainly in gold coins not in blood but still my performance slowed down the proceedings by a good couple of minutes and the triple time it took to cut the horse thief down meant the Dragon was late.

he should have easily been here by now I would hate to think he will only magically show up moment my head is on the block if reality is that timed and is that set in stone then that means good and bad it means for at least until I give the Dragon stone to the wizard in white-run no more Dragon will show up at this point I found it pretty hard to believe that the entire universe would evolve around myself this is not a game full of plot holes unless you follow the main storyline at a good pace so many different side quests and main quests timing be magically put on hold until spoke to the next person then suddenly there was an opening like if I wait a year before going to the thief infested town of Riften would the thieves start quest be exactly the same thought if I turned up there tomorrow.

I physically could not accept reality if it worked along them lines I would just scream and scream and scream how broken the universes is and even if I possibly could think of a brilliant way to milk it could I seriously live in such a mess realm and just before my insanity had me impaled on an imperial sword Alduin turned up.

The sheer relief swept over me and nearly fainted instead but I managed to pull myself together and like run full speed towards the tower while screaming Dragon at the top of my lungs.

Last thing I was going to be shot by a non-observant imperial action plus it will plenty scary the sky opened and he shouted and he was huge and I was tiny and small and tied up and all the storm cloaks look big and huge and there was no way I was going to be able to fight a dozen of them jumping over the wall looked a magnificent idea.

or at least just sit here and the tower as I remember if you enter the town afterwards this tower still remains and so I should just like hide in the corner.

A bloodied storm cloakwas shaking me demanded that I had to follow him up the tower. Slightly coming to my senses I remembered something about the Dragon smashing a hole near the top and eating somebody and I somewhat reluctantly followed him while trying to keep a bit of a distance thinking how dare you touch me. Now your going to be Dragon food that is at least a fair compensation for annoying my daydream of doom.

Pretty disappointed I couldn't put him in a soul gem. And just as I was thinking I was short changed in the deal it was a different storm cloak that was eating.

I was Quite furious and disappointed he was still alive and he then kept on whining about wanting to jump down to the next building. in the game the jump looked easy but looking down was quite terrifying further than I've ever jumped in my life and onto a burning wooden building . without much choice I threw myself forward.

I landed and started to sink into the thatched roof and barely clung on nastily banging half of my body against it.

climbing inside I couldn't find any stairs and as I was stuck on the second story once again I was forced to Drop an entire floor to ground level.

Sitting on the edge I slowly pushed myself forward and luckily managed to land in a running forward motion and coming outside I came across a couple of dumb locals speaking to that Imperial chap from earlier.

the town was laid out different to the game the Dragon was bigger and more terrifying if I was playing the game I would have already ran as I must've done the scene a hundred times but here and now all I want to do was hide. encountering the Imperial chap from earlier all I could remember was as long as I haven't changed the universe too much of my presence he should be able to make it to the Fort and that and will be sticking with him like glue.

The game never did it justice there was burning meteorites coming down from the sky every building was taking a good pounding and I wouldn't be surprised if there was nothing left and the lazy game developers just use generic damage buildings. standing there and taking in the entire town dawned on me just how serious a threat this dragon was. Later on in the game quickly learn to dismiss him and his threat doesn't seem that great but here and now I can fully say it seem like Apocalypse has arrived.

all I could think was If I was supposed to be the dragon born then this world was right and truly fucked.

seriously it was fucked anyway but that would have at least been by myself here instead of big ass dragon will do it instead of yours truly.

the Imperial chap was off and so ducking and sprinting I managed to keep up with him and pretty quickly arrived On the other side of the town. it looked like I could have easily have climbed over the wall in the chaos I could have easily slipped away but the problems earlier stood I was tied up in rags.

So I followed the Imperial inside the building and after we slammed unlocked the door he turned to me and said

"were all friends now Prisoner"

"go check out the chests for suppliers"

my eyes lit up loot he's given me approval and so the first time in my life I actually was going to acquire loot HAHAH mine or mine.

finding the smallest set of imperial light armour was quite Annoying so many huge outfits but eventually I came across one that actually was just a bit smaller than the rest the soldiers were bloodied huge even the women

I always wanted to try on Roman gear reenactment play around but never really had the opportunity and so with a bit of excitement but disappointed at how bloodily big it is I attempted to put on the outfit.

it was a relief to get out of my rags but it surprisingly was harder than I expected the Imperial chap spend a couple minutes with me strapping it up stating nearly all Imperial gear takes two people to adequately equip somebody as most of the damn straps are on the back.

damn, have to learn his name one of these days.

then he quickly attached a sleeved sword and showed me how to strap it on.

entering into the next room we came across the metal gate were on the other side was too hostile evil -looking storm cloaks.

okay seriously I didn't really know if they were that bad or just misguided but there's a good chance they would want to kill me and so they are evil evil evil.

I stopped Hadvar

"before we open the gate let's try and reason with them with the gate still locked"

"storm cloaks " backed out Hadvar

they immediately came to attention and came over pulling out their swords and looking bloodthirsty savages.

I stepped forward and half-heartedly said this Imperial gentleman and I have no intention of fighting and only desire to escape the Dragon or I strongly suggest you put aside your silly rebellione specially in the face of. Alduin returned..

Hadvar immediately opened the barrier and did not give me an impressed look as the two savages started screaming in fury at my words and started to attack the barrier in a mad rage.

I was quite prepared to leave the gate shut but the damn Imperial charged in and smashed one of them quickly to the ground and then jumped on the other and starting to fight the other when

the storm cloak woman climbed back up to her feet and then proceeded to attack Hadvar from behind.

I could probably kill 1 million men but hesitate at and very reluctantly kill a woman even in videogames I regret women especially pretty ones if it was the chap I'm sure I could have stabbed him with my new sword but instead I was forced to unless I was to say goodbye to my new ally and then have to deal with the remainder in evil storm cloak I was forced to something that physically made me feel sick.

While the fighting was taking place I tried not to be over noticed and when the woman's back was to me I plunged the sword straight in.

She immediately span around came to face me my sword Hadley penetrated her armour I should have not forgotten how weak I am and how strong these people were.

my sword went flying and yes she was slightly bleeding but it wasn't slowing her down the slightest scrambling backwards I cried out.

"Behind you"

then she lunged at me my poor attempt to distracts hur failed and weaponless I managed to roll to the left scrambled onto my feet and run to the other side of the room

by now Hadvar finished off the storm cloak man and was starting to pay attention.

The bloodied woman chased me around the room she swung that sword of hers all I have never tried to run so fast in my life in circles we ran I tried to get the Imperial chap in between usbut he was distracted until the moment he finished the chap off came around and lunged first in his sword straight through the woman's back and at her cry I foolishly turned around.

To see a sword go all the way through a woman and come out through her stomach while taking in her face was sickening.

I staggered over while seeing her fall to her knees. Hadvar kicked forward to the ground and placing a foot upon her back yanked the sword out blood everywhere.

I instinctively stepped forward to help her to see such a violent killing in front of me was horrifying.

Hadvar grabbed and shook me

"come on we need to keep moving prisoner"

The sheer ability for him to dismiss what just occurred was a blessing and curse it allowed me to snap out of the stress and shock of what I just witnessed.

Trying my hardest to dismiss the dying woman was incredibly difficult.

telling myself she's just a worthless Nord clearly deserves death by trying to hurt me as a means of self brainwashing was actually quite effective putting on my lordly persona.

As we moved lower and lower into the dungeons of the Fort all I could picture was her final moments and blood everywhere and the sheer dismissive nature of the soldier.

The only concern I had for the male dead storm was a disappointment I was leaving his loot behind and how they was blood all over it and by the time I have the ability to return his smelly corpse will ruin it.

The whole facility shuddered and then the corridor in front of us collapsed.

remembering in the next room should be a torturer and the magical outfit gave me a new burst of enthusiasm. But probably too enthusiastic I swung my sword around and quickly realised sword fighting was harder than what I initially expected when a storm cloak smacked my sword away I went into running mode again but luckily 3 imperials plus me verse two storm cloaks meant I was reasonably safe but at least I did enough token enthusiasm so they wouldn't take me for a traitor for an evil storm cloak supporter.

there was no way I was going to be able to pick the lock seriously I have played with pick locking have got a pic lock set and all the equipment and even then it takes ages to slowly open the lock probably these mediaeval locks might be easier but I was not going to practice in all this chaos so using my sword I speared the dead mage and pulled him over to the side of the cage.

It was a good thing that he was dead or otherwise he would have been screaming as I tried pretty had to squat him through tiny bars .

I was annoyed the game never gave a good justification on why somebody never wore layer upon layer of enchanted equipment hundred necklaces and so on like if I go and slip the Magic robes outfit over the top of this armour would I have the bonus of the enchantment plus the metal leather protection included. other than slow me down a little bit and I might get hot but this is skyrim is freezing cold and you can't run everywhere like in the game especially after all the loot and planning on acquiring. So why is it that everybody who can afford it isn't more enchanted up on gear than my modded level character when I played at the game

I know it was to keep the game balanced but seriously if the most you can have is seven inventory slots open to you before mods if this universe physically had a good reason why multiple uniforms wasn't used there must be a pretty good reason as his people can be that stupid and if there wasn't I'm going to start wearing dozens of layers of enchanted everything.

The moment I touched cloth I could feel something it was a like a sense have never known I had just like discovering you have ears practically impossible to describe except it was very faint as though I was only barely touching the cloth the guys down leg was snapping around and I was reluctant to hack it off as it might damage the robe. At this point the Imperial chap came over and try not to chuckle at my enthusiastic angling of a body and unlocked the cage saying how stupid you think I would be to lose the key .

take the stuff and begone you make an mess in here.

in all of my excitement at trying to undress somebody using a sword through the side of the cage I didn't notice the spell book and the few septum is on the floor but as soon as the door was opened they were there and using the backpack located within the room I had the main strip naked seriously these people have no concept of underwear or the guy was literally wearing was the robe and hood the spell book and the septum and we were off. No real time to examine it but for now I felt on a Roll.

I haven't played a new play through of skyrim for a while so my memory wasn't that precise on what we would encounter next I could remember a couple more soldiers and a bear so we completely took me by surprise when in the next big room we encountered a group of storm cloaks two archers and three people who run at us.

mumbling I didn't remember it being this many. having to trying to avoid bloodied arrows as well as being chased by another bloodied Nord woman.

Seriously must be doing something right never been chased by this many women in my life before but then once again the Imperial chap successfully kills them and am actually building an immunity seeing blood and guts this time I actually try and searched one of them only really managing to take their swords mine +3 other swords and a couple of bows no way I could lug any more.

and then we were forced to enter into a cave full of big spiders I hate spiders so deadly so skilled in what they do I have a rightful and fully justified belief in being cautious of spiders and now to come face-to-face with a spider the size of a sheep is blooded petrifying. but remarkably a few blows and cuts from a sword squashed and destroyed them. They webs might be superstrong the poison might be incredible but their physical bodies were still fundamentally weak.

If Taylor Hebert was here it would definitely be a problem if I pissed hur off. as much as I would have liked read a report on the spiders there was no way I was going to examine one of them to find out myself bad enough reading a Wikipedia article about spiders.

all I can hope is the spiders are physically incapable of breeding a few thousand egg sacks a time unlike black widows or they will rule the world. might be interesting one day seeing if I can magically tame them and build spider silk outfits but I would seriously need to be a vampire lord at that point.

and then we came across the bare sneaking past it was pretty easy compared to everything else has happened today and then we exited into a brand-new world full of Dragon's


End file.
